In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m a little bit of a control freak. OK, as it happens, maybe a HUGE control freak.
I don’t really notice it and, infact, there are days when I really really think that I am not controlling.
It is not until someone else tries to take control from me, that I realise how much I am holding onto it.
Like, the other week, for my birthday, my husband told me not to organise anything because he would plan our activities for the day.
Yippee, I thought. I don’t need to organise anything. This will be great. I trust my husband. He’s great at planning when he puts his mind to it and he always organising good stuff.
So I wake up in the morning and I’m excited but now my brain is already in overdrive wondering what the day will entail. He was not going to tell me what the plans were. Already my stomach is in knots. He tells me to put on comfortable clothes that I can take on and off. What the??? Where the hell are we going. Do I need to shower? Comfortable clothes….like track suit pants? Or like a nice pair of jeans? JUST TELL ME WHERE WE ARE GOING….
He has the whole day planned, it is a labyrinth of twist and turns, we go to café’s, he’s organised a massage (ah, that explains the clothes), we go shopping, meet family, have drinks and the crescendo is a surprise dinner party with my best friends, by a Chef who has come to our house.
It was phenomenal and in hindsight, it was one of the best birthdays ever.
But during the day…cough cough…I’m a little embarrassed to say how uncomfortable and frustrated I was by the whole thing. I couldn’t relax because I didn’t know what we were doing next. I couldn’t follow my husband properly at the shops because I kept walking ahead, then realising I don’t know where I am going and would walk into him. I was worried about whether I should go to the toilet when we walked passed one because I didn’t know where we were going next and if I might need to know. And where were the children? Who was looking after them? Were they OK to have them all day? Had my husband packed food for them?
Putting this into a little context, I am also the same person that cried when my husband surprised me with a trip to Melbourne for the weekend for my 40th birthday. And they weren’t tears of joy, they were tears of fear and confusion… “but I’m going to have to change all my plans”… he learnt from this mistake and made sure to tell me not to plan anything this time.
( I know, I know what you are all thinking, my husband is bloody amazing and maybe I should be a little more grateful…but, you know, I do some pretty amazing wifey things too…like letting him buy lots of car parts…AND, I think he does it on purpose because he loves to watch me sweat when I don’t have control).
And so, as this all creeps into my consciousness. I’ve started paying more attention to where I try to control the every day aspects of my life. I find myself checking the kids school lunches after my husband has made them, just to ensure that there are some vegetables included. I lurke around the kitchen when he is cooking and turn the oven down when he is not looking. I creep into the laundry after he has set the washing machine, and change the cycle.
And…then I wonder why he stops doing these things…strange??!
It really is time to let go. Because, actually, I need to let other people help me more. I pride myself on my independence. When my husband went away for months for work, I managed all on my own. I like things to be done a certain way and get satisfaction when they are done.
But if I don’t let other people help, especially my husband, and do things his way sometimes. Not only am I making life harder for myself, but I might miss out on experiencing different things and the absolute pleasure that comes from beautiful surprises.
Do you hold on too hard sometimes?