I haven’t written much about this topic ,  because frankly…it’s BORING and OLD and really no one else actually cares.  But I feel like I can’t avoid it,  because it is swimming around in my brain and it is impacting the things that I am doing…so I’m just going to say it.

I feel fat

Yep.   That little old chestnut.  Logically speaking,  in the grand scheme of all body shapes and sizes,  I realise that I am not actually huge.  I am sure the BMI would tell me I’m overweight and I have joined the 65% (or something around that) women who are categorised this way…but I’m pretty normal.    However,  I’m bigger than I was before.  Like…a few months ago before.

Oh…god.  I’m boring myself talking about this.   I spent so many of my teenage years worrying about this.   I have a photo of me in my Year 10 formal dress with my hand over my stomach because I thought my stomach stuck out (and did it my friends?  OHHH no..it did not… and can I still fit into that dress?…hell no…I cannot).   And then in my twenties,  this plagued my mind (although I did nothing about it, I was having too much fun going out drinking three nights a week and eating meat pies from the BP on our way home from a big night out…ahhh…good times).  So now that I am in my forties and have two children under my belt…why am I still having such imbecile thoughts?

My mantra of late has been…it doesn’t matter what you look like,  it is what you do with your body that counts.  Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly Plants. (Michael Pollen said this…haven’t actually read the whole book…sorry Michael…but love the premise).   Move your body every day (that is Number 1 on my list to work life awesomeness).  If you are doing these things,  then what you look like isn’t the point.  At least, that is what I tell my children.

And to be fair,  I have been soooo much better about this in the last few years.  I really have accepted my body as it is.  I think having children helps.  I look at my body and think it is pretty damn amazing…I made a BABY in there!!!  how cool is that.   And also looking at their beautiful amazing bodies,  I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t love themselves exactly as they are.

But yet,  here I am.  Standing the mirror and prodding my soggy stomach.   It’s that time of year.  A few more social occasions and a lot of christmas cheer.  It hasn’t helped that my weekend jog turned into a visit to the nurse after I tripped over (not entirely sure on what..my big thighs are usually pretty stabilising) and took the skin off my hands and knees.

I’ve taken a big deep accepting breath and pulled the “big clothes” from the back of the cupboard.  Ooo… a lovely skirt I actually haven’t been able to wear in ages because it was too big and kept sliding off.  Now it fits snuggly,  nay,  it is actually digging into my waistline…

And that nasty voice has started creeping back in.  Telling me I don’t look good…and then expanding its repertoire to “you are useless”,  ” you are not good enough”…

I think I need to learn how to stop that little voice getting nasty,  and see it more like a really rock solid friend,  whose willing to call me out on the truth sometimes.  And what it is really saying right now is simply…perhaps you’re over indulging a little bit?  It doesn’t mean your fat.  It doesn’t make you ugly and it certainly doesn’t stop me being super dooper awesome…but maybe…just maybe I shouldn’t have 5 mince pies after dinner…I could perhaps have just 1 (or 2?).

I am determined not to let this defeat me.  I LOVE this time of year.  I love the festive spirit that seems to be in the air.   The elf on the shelf posts on facebook.  The lights that sparkle on our streets.  I love the celebrations and the extra family time.   So I’m going to eat my veggies, and possibly have a sneaky little mince pie occasionally and I am going to try to move every day,  but maybe that movement will be dancing the night out at my work Christmas party.

And I might buy a few more, slightly bigger, clothes in the post Christmas sales…now, that is something to celebrate!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE…