I’m on a new quest. A new journey of discovery and I’m going to publicly commit myself so that I feel compelled to continue (eeek..just writing that makes me freak out).
It’s been a while since I have written I know. At first it was a happy conscious decision because I wanted to have less on my plate and focus more on work. You know, I’m all about boundaries and juggling different aspects of my life at different points in time. But then, time just slipped through my fingers and next thing I know it has been months since I wrote properly.
Because really, there is no such thing as “balance” per say, which implies there is this perfect point where you have just the right amount of work, just the right amount of personal stuff etc etc. But life doesn’t work like that. Life throws you curveballs all the time or doesn’t throw you curveballs and that can be just as disconcerting. So you have to be constantly readjusting, adapting, evolving.
Right now, what I have realized I need in my life is less noise in my head and more focused mindfulness.
Present over perfect.
I’ve said before that I don’t consider myself a perfectionist and I still struggle with the term. Because I’m not perfect, I’m soooo sooo far from perfect that the term doesn’t ring true. And yet, i do have a sense that I need to do everything well. That I need to hustle, keep striving, push forward…prove prove prove myself. Prove myself to whom I’m not exactly sure? To them? To the world? And that striving and pushing keeps me in a whirlwind which mostly I don’t even notice I am in.
My mind is a swirling wind of thoughts, I’m checking myself at every corner, examining every thing I say, every action I have taken. Was that the right thing? The best thing? Am I happy? Am I leaving with purpose? Should I be making different choices?
Oh? Sorry…kids…did you say something??
That’s the bit that I don’t like the most. When I can’t quieten my mind enough to focus on the kids when I am with them. Because when I think about it, it feels like I spend plenty of physical time with the kids…which is great, but perhaps my mind isn’t always joining us. It is off having a party of its own, wondering what I need to get out for dinner tomorrow, whether the socks have been washed, whether I finished all the projects at work…infact, am I even making the right choices at work. Wait…sorry..that’s right…we’re reading…
So..this is it. The next 6mths I’m jumping on the meditation wagon. Properly. For real. I’m going to become one of those people who gets up at 5am and sits cross legged for an hour by the candlelight with a cushion. Ok, I’m not going to do that. But I am going to try to do my 15min of breathing and quiet reflection for as many days in a row as I can manage. If I miss a day, I’ll get right back on the horse.
Who knows what will work for me, but lets give it a shot and see how we go. Got any tips?