I think it is fair to say,  I thought I had been nailing it recently…until…well… I wasn’t.   All of a sudden, a torrent of pent up exhaustion and resentment came pouring out of me like a cannonball  which was directed at my husband (Shout out to my husband…love ya!…).

What was his crime,  you ask?   Well…he left me on my own (he had to travel for work) and I had to juggle it all on my own (not unusual),  and I was secretly high fiving myself for getting through the week (yep…nailed it, can I get some applause please?) but then when he returned I was hoping it would all magically get easier.   And it didn’t.   So…clearly,  that was his fault.

Now, I’ll admit.  Quite possibly it was not all his fault.   And,  I do acknowledge that there has been some effort on his behalf to step up his game and get crap done when he IS home…

But what I really need….Is a wife.

I think I’ve talked about this before because Annabel Crabb wrote a great book called “The Wife Drought” …why women need wives and men need a life.

And it is so true.

It would be so much easier if there was someone at home I could just pick up the phone and call to say “sorry dear, going to be a tad late today”.  And I wouldn’t even have to add “can you pick up the kids” because they would already be doing it.   I wouldn’t have to think about the chores that need doing, and co-coordinating school notes and uniforms.

I resent the fact that my husband still has a little bit of this.  I AM the wife.  Which means I get the phone call saying “I have to work late today”  or “next week, I’ll be away all week”…and then I’ll be left juggling schedules trying to make it all work.

I had dinner at a friends house after work this week and it was blissful.  I finished work at 6pm,  drove over and was greeted with a ready poured glass of wine.  I then sat at the table chatting while she busied herself cooking in the kitchen, setting the table and helping the kids with their homework.   Then my meal was placed in front of me.  I ate.  And then someone else cleaned it all up.  Ok…so I probably should have helped a bit more but oh my goodness is was blissful to just have all that taken care of for me.

So…how do I get myself some of that?  Does my husband have to change his work, so he can help more?

The thing is though…I don’t actually want my husband to change…to be my wife.  I am very proud of him and the work that he does.  I don’t want him to stop working and look after the house & kids.  I think that would just annoy me even more.  I want us both to follow our dreams and raise a family together, all at the same time.   And what he really needs,  is more time to spend on his “life”, because right now all his time is spent working (and dealing with his crazy wife…but, you know, she is also kinda awesome).

So I guess we have to just keep navigating our way through this partnership.  To divide and conquer the things that need to get done.  To accept that maybe sometimes,  it is just going to be hard…but that doesn’t mean it is wrong or bad.

And,  I probably will find myself on the couch again,  crying into the pillow.  But then we’ll make some changes,  pick ourselves up, dust off…and keep making this work,  because in the end…it is totally worth it.