I’ve been listening to a Brene Brown audio book (yes…I am a little obsessed with Brene Brown right now and yes…I am also a little bit obsessed with audio books and podcasts) and Brene talks about the concept of feeling like you are “not enough” (it is one of the things that “shame” makes us think). When I first heard this, I was thinking….nah…I don’t struggle with that. I am totally enough. I am awesome. Sure, I’m not perfect but I’ve dealt with that demon and I accept who I am. Overall, I got this.
But as I progressed through the last week, I was a little bit amazed…and scared…at the amount of times I realised that the voice in my head was telling me “not enough”. Not so much that I, as a whole person, am not enough….but that in all the things I do, the tasks I take on, I always have the sense that I should and could be doing more. More more more more…
At work, I catch myself scrolling through Facebook and I admit, it’s a little bit of procrastination…and my inner voice is saying “you should be doing more, what are you just scrolling through this for, you’re wasting your time, I know you have been working productively for the last 4 hours…but that is NOT ENOUGH…you cannot afford to take this time”
At home, I catch myself watching the children playing handball, while I wash the dishes, and I’m thinking “you should be out there playing with them, you haven’t done their homework with them yet…it is NOT ENOUGH…you need to do more with the kids”
My husband comes home and I’m feeling a little tired and irritable (because I’ve been at work until 6pm and only just come home after picking up the kids from afterschool care)…but my inner dialogue is saying “when was the last time we went out to dinner together, we need more quality time together…it is NOT ENOUGH…you should be planning something..”
With my friends, I realise we haven’t caught up for a week and I’m thinking “you really should be a better friend. Better friends ring each other every day, what if something bad was going on with your friends and you didn’t know about it because you are not connecting enough. If you want to have true deep friendships, what you are doing is NOT ENOUGH”.
With my family, I attend our monthly family dinners, really enjoy catching up with everyone and getting all the lovely little cousins together…but my inner voice says “we should be doing this more often. You haven’t made enough time for the family this month, the cousins should see each other more so they can be awesome friends. Once a month is NOT ENOUGH.
When I go for a run, but I’m feeling a little tired so I run 5Km instead of the 10Km I was hoping to do. I’m still feeling great, breathing in the fresh air, the sun is shining but the voice is still there and it tells me that I should have done the 10km, that 5km was NOT ENOUGH.
I write this blog every week, consistently, but I haven’t posted on Facebook every day like I thought I would…it is NOT ENOUGH…
I think you get the picture. Whatever I do, no matter what I give…my inner voice always tells me that I could have done more. There is ALWAYS more that I could do. So, even though in my heart of hearts I know that I AM enough, that I am doing the best that I can, that it would be unrealistic to strive for more. That voice still mocks me at every turn.
Does your inner voice tell you that you are not enough?
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