It’s early (very early) Saturday morning, I can feel the sun heating my back and there is a cool breeze lightly touching my skin. My ipod is softly playing my favourite tunes…I’m sucking in big beautiful deep breaths of fresh of air…and I feel….exhilarated…
Wind back the clock 6 hrs…here’s me…lying in the dark…WIDE AWAKE, looking at the ceiling (well, i would have been if it wasn’t so dark). I’ve woken up for no apparant reason and my mind has gone into overdrive. It has been a long tough week, both professionally and personally. I can feel the beautiful boundaries of my carefully balanced priorities starting to fall down like a stack of cards. And I can’t quiet my mind. Rushing through my head like a freight train, my thoughts are moving from one scenario to another. Nothing useful, nothing helpful. Just replays of things that have happened and things that might happen. They are jumping from one subject to another without finishing the thought before it. It is completely unhelpful and frustrating, but it won’t stop…it just keeps spinning and spinning.
And my eyes are now completely open.
I try to stay completely still, hope that my mind will take the hint and start to slow. Each time I feel myself start to fall towards the bliss of sleep, the thoughts drag me back. I decide to give up, to get up and start moving…be productive…fight the thinking. But I roll over and see the time…3am… I can’t do it…I have to stay. And as the minutes tick by it feels like the night will never end.
And then my alarm goes off. It is 6am. Seriously? was I asleep at last?…and now I am awake…yet again. I drag myself out of the bed. I am meant to be running this morning…but I can’t. I’m too tired. It has been too rough, i look longingly at my bed…at the calm contented face of my husband as he sleeps…and i just want to snuggle in next to him.
But..no…. I MUST go…
And somehow I make it. I arrive to the organised run, to find many others. Laughing, chatting. I hear people clapping an elderly couple doing their 50th run. I see people with babies in prams, young people, old people, people with dogs, a group of cancer support fundraisers. I can do this.
I put my earphones in and I start to pound the pavement. It hurts. But it feels good. The blood starts to pump through my veins and as it does, it pushes the stress out of every pore of my body. I feel tears in my eyes. I’m so happy to be here…this feels so good. I feel alive. Right here, right now, all my worries are blown away. In this moment, I can forget them. The lady in front of me is struggling, her partner comes back to hold her hand and get her through. We can all do this.
And then it is done. I am so very glad that I made it.
I arrive home and hear the chaos of the family…awake and charged. But now I think I can manage…maybe I can get through this tough week…see it through to the sunshine that I always hope is waiting for me on the other side..