So yesterday it happened, that down turn of spirits I have been expecting ever since I hit “post” on my first update. I knew at some point I would come crashing down from my high. What was exciting me is now stressing me, what was inspiring me now seems daunting and frustrating…and today, I’m not sure it was such a good idea. I can’t do this.
Lucky today I had the luxury of a bit of time walking to clear that fuzzy head of mine. And I realised that I am really just VERY impatient. All the great things that I was so inspired and excited about earlier…I want them NOW, I want all the knowledge NOW, I don’t want to wait, I want to learn today, I want to know it all already. I ‘m panicking that I’m not doing a great job in something I am so passionate and interested in. I want to be great from day one. And that nasty little inner critic voice is out, in Task Master mode (thanks Rachel Macdonald for that analogy), and she keeps telling me it is because I am not working hard enough, I need to do more, push harder and I will get there quicker.
But today, as I reframe the situation with a calmer mind, I realise that pushing myself is indeed not getting me there quicker, infact, it is just making the road slower and harder because I am not enjoying it and I feel like I should be somewhere that I am not. I don’t need to speed up, I need to slow down. I need to remind myself that sometimes at work, you need to make space for listening and absorbing, rather than solutioning. Allowing myself not to have all the answers, and be ok with that, because I am learning and that is how I will grow. Others will know more than me. Maybe this year, I won’t be the leader, I will be the follower, the observer, the experimenter. And I need to be content in this position, secure in the knowledge that this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.
So when my alarm goes off at 5.45am tomorrow for another 6am international telecon, hopefully followed by some inspiring thoughts for my new blog…I’m going to put my calming oils on, make a cup of tea…and get ready to simply absorb…and see where that takes me…